I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.