Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated