I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away