I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.