I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
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Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
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he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.