I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.