he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?