You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.