Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Illinois (815)

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  I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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  (815): I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex. http://tfl.nu/6un6
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  I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself

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  (815): I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself http://tfl.nu/6sc5
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  This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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  (815): This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years. http://tfl.nu/zacn
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  Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."

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  (815): Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys." http://tfl.nu/ykbn
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  i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD

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  (815): i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD http://tfl.nu/w0y8
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  I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.

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  (815): I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her. http://tfl.nu/4xcm
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  Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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  (815): Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time. http://tfl.nu/q2s4
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  My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy

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  (815): My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy http://tfl.nu/f1hz
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  I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?

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  (815): I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today? http://tfl.nu/jgbm
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  he ran through my sliding door

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  in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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  (815): he ran through my sliding door (1-815): in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers http://tfl.nu/3l97
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  You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

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  (815): You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you http://tfl.nu/fukp
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  Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.

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  (815): Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night. http://tfl.nu/jyfi
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  E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.

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  (815): E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou. http://tfl.nu/m8k9
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  You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

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  Best Friends For Life.

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  (815): You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub. (1-815): Best Friends For Life. http://tfl.nu/ev62
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  Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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  (815): Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people http://tfl.nu/73fe
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