Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.