He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship