i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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