im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm eating all of the evidence.