Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.