My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.