Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This is classic penis vs brain.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.