you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry