I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.