and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This is classic penis vs brain.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac