Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
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my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.