HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands