A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms