I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.