I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship