I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?