I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.