I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!