Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them