If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.