nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
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So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated