Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.