I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???