I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it