You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.