New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?