I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.