He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?