I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.