Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads