My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im part way to drunk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol