Im part way to drunk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dating After Heartbreak
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size