I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."