The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im part way to drunk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose