Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.