I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.