He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
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Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.