adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.