Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.