I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
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Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.