Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now