Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.