There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.