Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY