I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.