I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???