I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high