Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Washington (253)

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  Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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  (253): Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen? http://tfl.nu/9r46
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  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
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  Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night

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  (253): Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night http://tfl.nu/3m0v
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  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
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  they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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  (253): they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest. http://tfl.nu/yx0q
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  at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

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  (253): at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito? http://tfl.nu/ycrz
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  Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

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  Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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  (253): Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex (206): Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy http://tfl.nu/0aky
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  We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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  (253): We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch. http://tfl.nu/tp65
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  The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

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  (253): The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case. http://tfl.nu/nkd8
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  drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA

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  (253): drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA http://tfl.nu/xnrm
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  So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.

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  (253): So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel. http://tfl.nu/ldso
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  I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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  (253): I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips http://tfl.nu/j5et
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  Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand

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  (253): Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand http://tfl.nu/sefe
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  How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???

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  (253): How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister??? http://tfl.nu/ukzw
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  May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.

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  (253): May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon. http://tfl.nu/x8lc
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