I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
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Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.