Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.