Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul