I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend