Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.