How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go