I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.