I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.