my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4