Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity