Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.