my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.