It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES