I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out