im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
After last night, I could never be a politician.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.