I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.